Picture of Calvinist Ship

Calvinist Christmas songs – now with Lyrics! (Humor)

A few years ago I did a post on titles for Calvinist Christmas songs. This year I thought it would be fun to create lyrics for some of them. Enjoy, and merry Christmas to ALL.

Deck the Shelves With Books by Piper
Deck the shelves with books by Piper,
fa la la la la la la la la.
He’s Reformed but is not hyper,
fa la la la la la la la la.
Don wants books, but not apparel,
fa la la la la la la la la.
Troll Arminians with this carol,
fa la la la la la la la la.

All I want for Christmas is my ESV
All I want for Christmas is my ESV,
my ESV, oh my ESV
Gee if I could only have my ESV,
then I could wish some “Merry Christmas”

I Saw Edwards Dissing Santa Claus
I Saw Edwards Dissing Santa Claus
Puritans don’t celebrate that man.
He thinks Nick is a creep,
and that lost folks can’t be sheep,
He says that they are spiders.
hanging over open fires,
I Saw Edwards Dissing Santa Claus
even though Nick beat up Arius.
Oh, what a laugh it would have been
If we weren’t decreed to sin.
Edwards dissing Santa Claus last night!

Good Christian Men Read Boyce
Good Christian men read Boyce,
with heart and soul and voice;
give ye heed to we say:
Christ was born but not for clay.
The elect before him bow,
to the rest we must say ciao,
Christ is born today!
Christ is born today!

Last Christmas You Gave You My Heart
Last Christmas You Gave You My Heart
Because this way, I cannot stray
This plan saves you from tears
And it makes you feel special.

I’m dreaming of a James White Christmas
I’m dreaming of a James White Christmas.
I’ll download podcasts of his show.
Where he don’t act Christian, but I still listen,
To hear him scoff and cause a row.
I’m dreaming of a James White Christmas,
With every blog post that I write.
May my days be merry and bright,
And may all my Christmases have White.

O come, All Ye Chosen
O come, all ye chosen,
Joyful and triumphant.
O come ye, o come ye by fatalistic plan.
Come and behold Him,
But only if selected.
O come, some must adore Him
O come, some must adore Him
O come, some must adore Him
Christ the Lord

Man Goes Bankrupt After Refusing to Sign Check

Local resident Calvin deKlein declared bankruptcy today after refusing to sign a check that would have paid off the debt for him. deKlein was reportedly heard muttering, “If I sign the check, it means I did all the work.”

Judge Peyda Piper says she has never come across a case like this before. “I repeatedly asked deKlein why he refused to sign the check, and he was unable to provide a coherent answer.”

Wealthy philanthropist Jesse Pagotodo was left shaking his head. “I wrote the check out to deKlein, put it in his hand, and even drove him to the bank.  But he refused to sign it when we arrived”.  Pagotodo went on to say. “I don’t know what else he expected me to do, I couldn’t sign the check for him, that would have been forgery.”

Arminian Sign Guy at the Presbyterian Church?

Is there an Arminian guy at the Presbyterian church?  From King 5, Seattle.

Who Has The Best Fur Coat? [Humor]

I’m not a big fan of John Calvin, but do have to admit he had some pretty awesome fashion sense.  But there are also other worthy contenders in the category of style.  Vote below for who you think has the best fur coat.

Note: this poll is for fashion presence only, not theology!  So even if you think the other contenders have better theology than Calvin, try to not let that influence your vote.

Hitler Finds out Arminian Theology is True

So I did one of those Hitler finds out videos. Hope you enjoy it. :)

Note: There is a typo where Hitler says “closet Catholics”. But I don’t want to redo the video or it will kill the original link on YouTube.

A Better Acronym than TULIP?

HT: Society of Evangelical Arminians

Calvinist Christmas Songs – Humor

Some of these are mine, but most are stolen from the twitter hash  #CalvinistChristmasSongs.

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Joy to the Elect

Deck the Shelves With Books by Piper

Good Christian Men Read Boice

Oh Come All Ye Chosen

Servetus Roasting on an Open Fire

All I want for Christmas is my ESV

I Saw Edwards Dissing Santa Claus

Last Christmas You Gave You My Heart

Grandma Got Run Over Because It Was Predestined

I’m Dreaming of a James White Christmas

Little Driscoll Boy

“He’s making a list, checking it twice, gunna decide who’s naughty and nice.”

Have Yourself a Merry Little Conference (for MacArthur fans)

 

Arminians Under Calvin’s Bed – Humor

Thought I’d have a little fun. These are in reference to the Calvinist Children’s book: Help, Mom! There are Arminians Under My Bed!  Apologies to Bill Watterson. :)

Help, Mom! There are Arminians Under My Bed!

Calvinist bedtime reading?  Or just a paranoid Turk with poor spelling?

Amazon: Help, Mom! There are Arminians Under My Bed!