Stuff Liberal Christians Like (Satire)

The following is an attempt at humor about stuff liberal Christians (LCs) like. Sometimes I identify with the LC, so don’t take this too seriously.  And if it hits too close to home, here’s a post you might appreciate more: Stuff Young Calvinists Like.  Any similarities between the two lists are entirely coincidental. :)

Stuff Liberal Christians Like

Approved Media.  All LCs follow the Daily Show, The Colbert Report, and NPR.  In that order. Following approved media indicates that you are an original thinker.  The Daily Show receives the highest honors.  It is watched religiously by all LCs, although they would object to the term “religious”  as used in that context.    It is preferable to watch approved media on your laptop rather than live on TV.   Watching TV indicates an addiction to entertainment,  plus the money used for your cable subscription could have been better spent on something worthwhile like fair trade coffee or Obama 2012.  It is considered acceptable to listen to NPR live, as long as you read the Huffington Post at the same time.  LCs also enjoy Bill Maher, but this requires a qualification.  LCs strongly approve of Maher’s vulgarity and his misogynistic treatment of conservative women, however, his blanket hatred of anything remotely deistic is a minor cause for concern.  If  you replace “remotely deistic” with “fundamentalist”, this concern goes away.  LCs also believe that you are a victim of propaganda if you like Fox News, Drudge, or Glenn Beck.  Only the narrow minded listen to one side of the story.

Being Authentic.  LCs place an extremely high priority on being authentic.  You prove you are authentic by getting a tattoo, refusing to listen to contemporary Christian music, and by shopping at a co-op instead of Walmart.

Drinking Alcohol to Relax.  If an LC asks what you do to relax, the correct answer is: “I like to have a glass of wine, and watch the Colbert Report online.”   Make sure to point out that you’re only drinking one glass, and take care to correctly pronounce “Colbert” in French.   They will smile and tell you that they prefer to drink light beer,  listen to NPR, and read Bishop Spong.  When it comes to relaxation, the correct answer always involves alcohol and approved media.  Frequent references to alcohol help LCs prove that they have thrown off the legalism of their parents.  This rule isn’t applicable to Catholic LCs.

Cursing Like a Sailor.  All LCs curse.  Dropping the F-bomb is a great way to parade one’s spirituality.   Swearing is also used as a way of indicating one’s strong commitment to social justice issues.  Thus it is important to swear only in the correct context.  Here are some examples:

*BLEEP* They canceled the curb side recycling program! [Correct usage]

*BLEEP* My power bill has doubled since last year! [Incorrect usage]

Notice how the correct example addresses a social justice issue.  That’s because curb side recycling impacts the poor, but rising power rates do not.

Barack Obama. LCs love Barack Obama. This is because of the color of his skin, not the content of his character.  Of course, an LC will not admit this up front.   If you ask an LC for specifics about what he likes about Obama, he will give you a disdainful look.  If that doesn’t shut down the discussion, he will scream something about WMD’s and the evils of a theocracy.    If you point out that Obama started several new Middle Eastern wars, and is spending your kid’s money today, he will accuse you of being a racist.

Rob Bell.  LCs love Rob Bell.  They particularity appreciate that he writes at a 5th grade reading level, in pithy one sentence paragraphs.   LCs have read all of Bell’s books, and will often trot out this fact to impress you.  What they neglect to mention is that it took them all of 15 minutes to read everything Bell has ever written, and that they did this while simultaneously listening to NPR.  While LCs like Bell, they detest Mars Hill.  LCs believe that all mega churches are evil.  An exception cannot be made for Bell, even if he does wear cool glasses.  LCs also despise the other Mars Hill run by Mark Driscoll, for obvious reasons.  Driscoll is the worst kind of species – a fundamentalist complementarian who also drinks and curses.  This messes up all of the LCs’ meta-narratives.

Palestine.  The LCs position on Palestine is best understood by addressing an uncomfortable demographic fact.  Most LCs are white.  LCs experience a lot of self-hate over being part of a privileged group, and wish that they were a non-Jewish minority instead.    LCs are always looking for ways to appear sympathetic to the plight of minorities (posting Facebook statuses is an excellent way) while at the same time taking great care to do nothing that might risk their own privileged status.  The easiest and most non-threatening way to accomplish this goal is by placing the blame on Israel for the Palestinian conflict.  If Israel would submit to Muslim control, all violence in the Middle East would end, and the world would become a peaceful place.  LCs are also irritated that Israel even exists, because it’s an indication that God keeps his promises, and that all that end times crap just might be true.

The Word “Progressive”.  LCs hate to be called liberal.  The word conjures up images of overweight gray-haired white male politicians from Massachusetts.  LCs prefer to be called “progressive”.  Don’t confuse the two terms.  Liberals take money from the rich.  Progressives make sure that no one gets rich.

The NRSV.  The NRSV is the preferred Bible translation for LCs.  It uses gender neutral language, Calvinists hate it, and you can get it with the apocrypha.  LCs haven’t actually read the apocrypha, but it’s important for them to have a Bible that contains it, as it gives evidence of their ecumenical spirit.

Important disclaimer: I’m 1/64 Cherokee. It’s very important for LCs to be aware of that fact, as it gives me carte blanche to write posts like this. :)

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23 Comments

Filed under humor, satire

23 responses to “Stuff Liberal Christians Like (Satire)

  1. Honestly, that is the funniest thing I’ve read in quite some time! I really did “laugh out loud.” (Isn’t it funny that we have to say that we really did laugh out loud, because “lol” must be us lying?)

  2. Loved it though this is all true you know and not just humorous.

  3. You’re hitting the sweet spot with the satirical. I think you found your gift.

  4. LOL That’s great! Very funny!

  5. Facinating, I am neither a liberal nor a “Christian”. I like the Daily Show, some Colbert, and listen to NPR as a source of news.
    1) Daily Show- shines an ugly light on hypocrisy in our ploitical society irrespective of party. I LOVE THAT!(Obama thought he would get softball questions…HA!)
    2) Colbert- makes fun of all the above
    3) NPR- hmmm…. a news source that provides both sides of an issue and lets YOU make up your mind. Yeah they lean left in their leadership level, but I do not listen because of that and am able to filter it out.
    The irony is those who profess to be “Christian” act anything but, and have no use for Christ’s teachings as it relates to the meek(corporate America), the dispossesed (Katrina), and those of other faiths Catholic,Lutheran,Methodist,Presbytirian,Episcopalian, etc)>

    • Your point at the end is well taken, Christians (myself included) need to consistently follow Christ’s teachings. Catholics, Lutherans, etc are all Christian, so I’m not sure where you were headed there. Thanks for stopping by and enjoy your approved media. ;)

    • BIll

      Catholics are the original Christians, and are very deserving of the respect of the Christian world…. As for the others, especially the Lutherans, many of them have chosen to ignore the parts of the Bible that they find “inconvenient.” Not really sure why you stopped by, or why you are being less than honest about being a liberal. As for NPR, anyone who thinks they give both sides of a story is obviously not really listening. And when you consider the stories they choose not to cover (like how the Housing mess was caused by those in government who were coercing the banks into making risky loans) then it becomes very easy to see that they are NOT a “fair and balanced” news source. Just sayin’

  6. Kyle

    LOL, this is good stuff. This post reveals me for the moderate I am. I like NPR and Jon Stewart, I mostly dislike contemporary Christian music and rock, I relax with wine, and I think a well-placed curse word is both honest and blblical. Not so much the rest!

  7. Dawn

    Kyle,

    “I think a well-placed curse word is both honest and blblical.”

    Not sure if you will ever see this, but can you please provide scripture to back up your statement that a well-placed curse word is biblical? I’m not saying that you’re wrong, but I don’t recall seeing this in the bible. I could certainly be wrong.

  8. Okay, so, here I am a year later and have more in common with those mocked in the post than not. Mind you, that doesn’t bother me as much as it bothers others. I found myself laughing while reading: It’s funny because it’s true! :)

    I love the Colbert Report, and NPR stays fixed on my radio. And I only drink alcohol when I’m attempting to be authentic (joke). I only curse when people use the word “Palestine,” though, so I’m a mixed breed.

    But you nailed me on the NRSV — except that I actually do read and quote from it, haha. And now I guess I have something to prove: “Mockery and abuse issue from the proud, but vengeance lies in wait for them like a lion” (Sirach 27:28 New Revised Standard Version). Of course, that verse bears no weight on the blog author — God forbid!

    All in fun, rest assured, all in fun. I think you have a wit about you that is sorely lacking among Christian bloggers, myself included! Please, keep making me smile and laugh. (No mention of egalitarianism . . . maybe an updated post is warranted.)

    • Correction: two years later. Wow, how time flies.

    • Quote from the Apocrypha in the NRSV. Oy! I should have proof-read the stupid comment!

    • I identify with a few of the categories too. :) So I’m wondering…I made a few updates to this post a couple of days ago (reworded a few bits). Did that make it show up new in your feed again? I’ve noticed this before where I update a post and then people comment on it.

      And yeah, time flies. It’s been 4+ years since I did the “stuff Calvinists like” post.

      • Yes, it showed up in my Feedly like a new post. When I looked at the date, I just figured you reposted it. When I didn’t see it as the first post of your blog I got confused. Oh well. It was fun to read again, haha!

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