Calvinist Dictionary

A dictionary to help Arminians better understand Calvinist terminology.
(Don’t take this too seriously, this is meant in good fun)

All: The elect

Altar Call: An insult to God

Arminianism:
Man centered theology

Assurance:
hoping that you’re elect

Augustine:
The first church father.

Calvinism:
The gospel

Call (effectual):
to be irresistibly dragged

Call (general):
God’s justification to condemn the reprobate.

Catholicism: What Arminianism leads to.

Compatiblism:
We are free to do whatever the Potter decrees us to do.

Contradiction:
a mystery

Doctrines of Grace:
Term that helps illustrate how God has given us Calvinists superior insight. Usage example: “I was an Arminian before being illuminated by the Doctrines of Grace.”

Doris Day:
Singer of truth

To Draw:
To drag

Easy believism:
The false idea that you can believe in Jesus Christ and be saved. Can a rotten corpse believe? Nope, neither can you.

Eisegesis
: Any Arminian interpretation of a difficult passage (thanks Ben)

Emergent:
Synonymous with “heretic”, unless your name happens to be Mark Driscoll.

Esau:
Someone God hated, not for any reason though.

Everyone:
The elect

Exegesis:
Any interpretation by James White, after all he’s a Greek scholar.

faith (1):
Something that the elect are zapped with after regeneration.

faith
(2): A work that gives pride to Arminians.

Fatalism:
Nothing to see here, move along.

Faux Pas
: Coming to church with a Bible translation other than the ESV.

Finney, Charles:
Wicked man who ravaged the evangelical movement. (Really)

To Foreknow:
To decree or to love, absolutely nothing to do with knowing before.

Four Point Calvinist:
An Arminian

Frankenstein: Cool story about a dead monster that got zapped with lightning and then became alive. Great parallel to the way we are regenerated.

Free Will:
Something that can’t exist because it would make God helpless if true.

Glory:
Praise we give to God for anything wicked that has ever happened (except for the birth of Charles Finney).

God’s secret will:
To save a few and reprobate the rest (secret to Arminians but not to us).

God’s revealed will:
a mystery

Gospel of John:
anything by John Piper

Hebrews:
Skip this book and read the Gospel of John instead.

Hyper-Calvinists: Calvinists who care more about consistency than looking good.

Infralapsarianism:
See “Four Point Calvinist”.

Infant damnation:
Something that brings God glory.

James:
Book that Luther wanted thrown out of the canon.

Jesus Loves Me, This I Know:
Misleading children’s song.

Jesus Loves the Little Children: Another terrible song, obviously written by someone who didn’t take the time to do a proper exegesis of scripture.

John 3:16: Enigmatic verse. One must be a scholar to properly understand this passage. James White’s unbiased insights are recommended.

Kosmos:
Greek word that means “elect”.

The Living Bible:
I hope you’re joking.

Missions:
A complete waste of time, see “altar call” for more info.

Mystery:
The way God decrees sin but is not responsible for it.

NIV:
Word for thought translation is heresy.

Paul:
Author of Romans 9

Pelagian:
Name to call Arminians, extra points if they don’t know what it means.

Polemic Atheist:
Another name to call Arminians, good diversionary tactic when appealing to John Owen doesn’t work.

Preaching the Gospel:
Something God commands, but the reason why is a mystery.

Pride:
Something that works-based Arminians have in abundance, but we Calvinists don’t after being chosen by God.

Regeneration: See “Frankenstein”.

Reprobate:
Those whom God justly damns to maximize His glory.

Rick Warren:
worthless author, read something by John Gill instead.

The Road to Rome:
Where synergism always leads to.

Robot:
Don’t say that word!

Servetus:
A heretic who got what he deserved.

Shipwreck:
Misleading term, because the “ship” wasn’t really floating in the first place.

Sovereignty:
meticulous micromanagement

Supralapsarianism:
God orchestrated the fall for His glory, the central truth of scripture.

Wesley, John:
A false apostle of free will (not kidding)

Whitefield, George:
Wesley’s superior

Whosoever:
The elect

World:
The elect



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50 Comments

Filed under Calvinism, humor, satire

50 responses to “Calvinist Dictionary

  1. Pizzaman,I have been wanting to do this for a while but you beat me to the punch (and I am glad you did because it is far more creative than I could have come up with). Very funny and very alarming at the same time. I will be directing any of my readers your way.God Bless,Ben

  2. I hope you are kidding here….because 98% of what you said isn’t true of what Calvinists believe!!

  3. THIS IS JUST A JOKE!!!Trinity: Augustine, Calvin and SpurgeonNeo Trinity: MacArthur (or Sproul or Piper), White and Spurgeon

  4. Ha! This is great. I have wanted a handy resource like this for some time. Thanks.A.M. Mallett

  5. Thanks for the kind comments. :)Joshua: Yes, this is a joke. Maybe you would appreciate this link more: Quiz – Are you an Arminian?

  6. Hello Pizza man,I love your “dictionary”. It is funny but much of it reflects things that I have actually seen and heard calvinists say and teach. Can we add some entries to the dictionary? Here are some more for your consideration: “Open theism – according to James White logically consistent Arminians will be one of these””Reprobation = in the divine lottery getting very unlucky””election = in the divine lottery getting very lucky””Hardening = getting very unlucky, see reprobation;“Mercying = getting very lucky, see election””Potter = the one who manipulates the clay so that it is whatever he wants it to be and does whatever he wants it to do and goes to Hell or Heaven where he wants it to go;Clay = the persons totally manipulated and controlled by the Potter, not to be confused with puppets or robots”“Puppets or Robots = Arminian caricatures of calvinism, not to be confused with God controlling us and manipulating us like clay”“Freedom of God = that God can do whatever he wants with his puppets, er, clay, er, God has free will and you don’t!”“Free will = a vicious and unsubstantiated rumor started by Arminians”“Human will = the part of man that God uses to control him like a puppet, er robot, er clay””Libertarian free will = an event that occurs that is uncaused and for no reasons”“Compatibilism = the idea that God controls us like puppets and robots, but we still have free will because we are doing exactly what we want to do which happens to be exactly what the Potter predetermined for us to do” “Middle knowledge = just sophisticated Arminian lying”“Exegetical argument = what to say when a bible passage can be used as a proof text for Calvinism;Proof texting = what to say when an Arminian cites a bible passage that does not support Calvinism”universal atonement = any citation of John 3:16 or 1 Jn. 2:2 by an Arminian, see also proof texting”“Good = whatever God predetermined to occur,Evil = whatever God predetermined to occur,”“Good people = calvinistsBad people = everybody else””Who are you O man who answers back to God” = what to say to an Arminian when you are losing the debate”Robert

  7. Sam

    Excellent!! Very funny stuff..

  8. Hey! I’m a Calvinist, but I really found this sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo funny!I think I’ll return the compliment in the future and blog on a “Dictionary to Help Calvinists Understand Arminians”=)

  9. Truly a great post. By far one of the funniest posts I have ever read and dealing with theology at that.

  10. Robert, very good additions. I love the lottery idea. Seeker, glad you enjoyed it. I have a few ideas for an “Arminian dictionary”, but it would no doubt be better done by someone from a Calivinst viewpoint. :)-Kevin

  11. Great post!!! Eventhough this is suppose to be a joke, I’d say 90% of it is true.Great post!!!JNORM888

  12. Hello Pizzaman,”Robert, very good additions. I love the lottery idea.”The divine lottery analogy comes from a friend of mine. He is one of the smartest guys that I know has **multiple** Ph.D’s and has been a bible teacher for longer than I have been alive.He likes to liken calvinism to a divine lottery in which the game is completely rigged and you are either a BIG WINNER, or a BIG LOSER. Whatever you are is completely a matter of luck from your perspective because when your turn comes and the wheel is spun, your destiny is already determined and it is absolutely impossible for you to be anything other than a BIG WINNER or a BIG LOSER. And the person determining whether you are a loser or winner made the decision completely without reference to who you are, what kind of person you are, or anything you have done. And when things happen to us that have nothing to do with who we are or what we have done, we call that luck. Good or Bad luck!Robert

  13. OH WOW! SO FUNNY. THE DORIS DAY ONE GOT ME!BILLY

  14. Here’s some definitions of my own. I am Eastern Orthodox, and you will find that we are VERY friendly to Armenians, especially to John Wesley who “borrowed” a few hyms from us.Article XXXI of the Westminster Confession – an elastic clause that allows the overruling of any adverse Church Council. In consequence, should Romans 9 prove too weak, the Council of Carthage of 397 AD can always be overruled so that other books friendly to Calvinism such as the Gospels of Judas, Thomas, and Phillip can be reinstated into the New Testament.Revelation 22:19 – A heretical verse of the Bible that contradicts Predestination and has been edited out in the True Bible, the 1599 Geneva Study Bible. Although this is a curse for making deletions from the Book of Revelation, Calvinists are immune because they are Predestined.St. Irenaeus – A heretic whose relics were destroyed by Calvinists because he caused supporting scripture (the Gnostic Gospels of Judas, Thomas, and Phillip) to be expelled from the New Testament.Ignoramus – a title of respect bestowed upon a non-Calvinist for being conversant in Reformed Jargon, finding contradictions in the Westminster Comnfession, or making a too convincing argument against Calvinism.Shifty Tactics – the use of well reasoned argument to best a Calvinist in Theological Discourse. Shifty Tactics include catching a Calvinist in a Lie or Contradiction, outsmating a Calvinist, quoting adverse Scripture or a Bible version that has not been EDITED by a Calvinist.Prime Directive – If Calvin says that the Bible says it’s True, then it must be True.

  15. PS: We Orthodox pride ourselves on being Zero Point Calvinists. In fact, we even strive to get our number of points down to a number even lower than Zero. If it were possible, we’d be “Minus One” Point Calvinists.

  16. Thanks for stopping by HNC, good stuff :)Your comments about Irenaeus spurred me to read up on him a bit. I wasn’t aware that the early Calvinists hated him. Very interesting (and sad).

  17. Love the Doris Day reference.

  18. More for good humor:EVANGELISM – No listing found.HERMENEUTICS – The art of taking John Calvin’s Institutes and applying them to the Bible.PRAYER – A waste of time and energy (see sovereignty).SPURGEON – The greatest preacher since Paul the Apostle and true on whatever he said especially about Arminianism. THEOLOGY – John Calvin’s Institutes.

  19. Pizzaman:I know that Paul meant well when he provided that link to the “Arminian Dictionary”. However, it links to the triablogue site, a group that you will find are close-minded, and love to make personal attacks. Henceforth, I shall refer to them as Trollblogue.My comment about “Shifty Tactics” was my way of getting back at them for their unflattering characterization of ORTHODOX, as well as the term “ignoramus” when Trollblogue applied it to me. My point is that they are not the best role models for Christain Hospitality. You Arminians have broken your necks to be Hospitable to the two of us on theis board who are Eastern Orthodox, and we recognize that.To be honest, what I feel we owe Trollblogue is a BOYCOTT. Let them kill their own blog with their Folly. There is no need to support that Trollblogue by visiting them.

  20. Excellent additions Roy, of course I know that you really like Spurgeon deep deep down. :)HNC, point taken. And I’m glad that you feel welcome here. I’m not a fan of Triablogue either for the reasons you listed, although there are some other Calvinist blogs that I enjoy. In this case, however, I really can’t complain because if I dish it out I have to take it too. and as they say – Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

  21. Pizza man,A couple of these had me ROARING! You are clearly well-versed in this debate to come up with some of those. I frequently blog about Calvinism over at preachfaith.blogspot.com Come on by!

  22. Pizzaman,Hilarious! :Dchadwick

  23. Orthodox:Take care that you don’t incite these guys to do an Eastern Orthodox dictionary (wink, wink).Roman Catholic Church – The Protestant Demination whose architecture and icons most closely resemble our own.Methodist Church – The Protestant Church whose beliefs most closely resembles our own.Matushka – Preacher’s WifeGiant Ice Cream Sundae – What Protestant tourists mistake St. Basil’s in Mosco for.The Beatitudes – The introductory music of the 1812 Overture.The Prokeimenon in the Sixth Tone – The Hymn of Victory over the French in the 1812 Overture.Orthodox Joke – A sly reference to a Scriptural verse or Hymn that usually conveys a secret message meant for another Orthodox that is usually missed by Protestants. Smart Protestant – A Protestant who actually catches an Orthodox Joke. Billy Birch and Pizza Man fall into this category.

  24. Why am I not surprised by the link on the Wesley entry (maybe because I’ve debated a member of that church on the internet over the salvation of Wesley)!!!

  25. Johnathan/Gracie:No sooner do I mention some reasons to boycott TrollBlog (after Paul talked about them) do you bring them up again.Grrrrrrrrrr!!!!

  26. Loved the Protestant dictionary, nicely done Orthodox dude. I only have two Hawaiian shirts myself.Yeah, I’ve seen Paul’s Arminian dictionary as well. And Highland- with a blogging handle like that I can’t say I’m surprised. You probably argue about the Salvation of the lowland Scots too. (joking) ;)

  27. I think I misunderstood you initially Highland – you were debating on behalf of Wesley, yet from a Reformed perspective. Very cool. :)

  28. Orthodox are more Alaskan than Hawaiian. You’ll see us in parkas if you see us in any casual wear. In fact, did you know that the first Orthodox came to America via Alaska in 1794? Look up St. Herman of Alaska and St. Peter the Aleut. we would look out of place in Hawaiian Shirts. We even have a church in Antarctica [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trinity_Church%2C_Antarctica].

  29. Take it easy Orthodox, There is no need to anger Pizza man and the others. They haven’t done anything to us for us to make jokes like that.And as a former Protestant myself, I am hesitant to make jokes like that. If it wasn’t for some of the things I was tought as a protestant then I probably wouldn’t be Orthodox today.JNORM888

  30. No offense taken Jnorm, I thought Orthodox’s was great. :)

  31. Apparently, someone named Jon Modene saw fit to copy part of your dictionary and put it in his church bulletin. It appears to have drawn the attention of James White here.

  32. Nice. Being a staunch “Calvinist”, for lack of a better term, I have been thoroughly trained in the appreciation of sarcasm. However, I do hope you realize that my Arminian brothers and sisters in Christ are no less prone to falling into the same sort of misrepresenting of the other camp as we are. Some of the replies to you dictionary demonstrate this as well as the swell artwork in the Pastor’s Office of a nearby Calvary Chapel that is an illustration of a religion family tree that has Calvinism on the same dead branches (complete with vultures) as Mormonism. It’s all good though.Calvinism = theology full strength with no chaser.Arminianism = Bud LightTag! You’re it.

  33. Nick, thanks for pointing that out, I was unaware. Good old James White.Ken, glad you enjoyed it, and your points are well taken. We’re all better at pointing out the flaws in others then we are in seeing our own. Bud Light – I like it. :)

  34. A review of Paul Washer’s sermon entitled, “A Message Charles Finney Would Love”http://judahslion.blogspot.com/2008/06/message-charles-finney-would-have-loved.html

  35. It is one thing to poke fun at Calvinists (because most of us take ourselves way too seriously) but when you make up stuff about us, is it really that funny?

    But I don’t get how we think that all, the world, whosoever are the elect.

    Also, we love John Wesley.

    Also, I usually sum up my theology (to quote B.B. Warfield): “Jesus loves me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so.”

    Perhaps I should take a crack at this list, correct it and then it will be high-larious because it will be true.

    • You think “world” means “world”, sing “Jesus loves me”, and like Wesley? You ARE an Arminian. :)

      By all means come up with a “correct” list if you can make it funny. I will enjoy it! God bless.

  36. Also, why do we not like Hebrews or James? I quote from Hebrews almost as much as I quote from Romans or John.

    • Many Calvinists neglect Hebrews because of its teaching on the possibility of apostasy. See Heb 6 for example. That was what the “definition” was referring to.

      Luther called James the “epistle of straw”. He thought it should be removed from the canon because of its emphasis on works instead of grace.

      But I suspect you knew both of those facts already. ;) And BTW, Don’t take the list too seriously, it was meant to be an exaggeration.

  37. E.

    This is great, thanks for posting.

  38. What was God thinking of regarding Wesley?
    At least he ordained that Calvinist writer to bring correction to His oversight.

    Cue the Doris Day song …

  39. Pingback: Calvinism Refuted - Page 6 - Christian Chat Rooms & Forums

  40. I did find it funny that comments on Paul’s “response” post has descended into a bunch of advertisements for Chinese made products.

    I guess it was predestined.

    Free will defense: God has allowed human beings a degree of free will to enable real relationship with them, accepting as the price of that that human beings will choose to do harm to others.

    Compatibilist defense: God has ordained for people to do harm to others, despite the fact that he could have willed for them to do otherwise. However despite that, God is good (for sufficiently meaningless definitions of good).

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